Vinayak Dar
Aer Student - Year 6
Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
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Post by Vinayak Dar on Jun 20, 2015 3:05:39 GMT -5
Looking down at his feet, Vinayak listened to Theo's tentative approach, sensed him sitting down, could almost feel him there. Good lord, this was humiliating. He wished he could make his shoulders stop shaking with ridiculous sobs. Then he heard the absolute last thing he could have imagined coming from Theo's mouth:
"I'm so broken."
How ... what? He looked up, startled, eyes wide as he listened to the heart-rending confession, and the guilt in Theo's voice ripped Vinayak's chest open even further. How could this beautiful, brilliant boy think such terrible things about himself? How was this even possible? It pulled Vinayak away from his own fears, and his focus fell instead on his friend, his best friend and the sadness that had always leaked out of him but had never been put into words.
"How," he finally murmured, "how can you say you are broken? How do you not see how wrong that is? Listen, I don't give a damn about your blood, and it hasn't kept you from being brilliant and ... sweet and ... I could never be mad at you for such a thing. But if ... "
This was terrible, so terrible because all he wanted now was to do it again, to share another kiss here by the water and to tell Theo exactly how wonderful he was. Vinayak's knees fell away from his chest as he looked around them. It had gotten quite dark, and there were no lights by the lake, and he hadn't heard anybody else, and ... Theo ...
"If you were born wrong, then I was, too, because the only thing I want in the world right now is just ... "
He couldn't put it into words, so he just did it. It seemed the only way to show Theo that he didn't have to be sorry. Good god, at least they were in this together! So this time Vinayak initiated the kiss, and he hoped desperately that Theo was still interested.
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Theodore Keating
Aer Student - Head Boy
Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
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Post by Theodore Keating on Jun 20, 2015 23:55:49 GMT -5
He couldn't help it. He had tears running down his cheeks and he was shaking so bad. And he wanted nothing more than to go and curl up in bed and cry. Like full on cry into his pillow like he did when he was little after his Father was done with another one of those nasty beating he is still sure he had scars from all over his bad. There was just so much guilt and pain that he hadn't felt this much of in years and it was rushing to the surface all at once making him hurt in the worst of ways. And knowing that he was probably going to lose his best friend because of it was just too much.
He always knew he would have a breakdown one day. He just didn't think it would be today. And he didn't think that Vinayak would have to witness it.
And yet despite everything his brain was telling him the opposite of that was happening. Vinayak was trying to be comforting and supportive. Trying to tell him that he wasn't broken. That he was sweet and smart and Theo wiped at his eyes some. "I... I don't know what to say. Because it means so much to me that you would say that." Really like how could Vinayak think all though wonderful things about him when he just forced himself onto him and for that Theo was so very sorry. "I'm still sorry though... I forced you to kiss me and it was wrong and I know you..."
"If you were born wrong, then I was, too, because the only thing I want in the world right now is just ... "
Then lips were on his, warm soft lips and there was that same magic feeling that he had in the library were for those brief seconds all was right with the world. And he melted all over again into the warm gentle touch of this boy, so very perfect. From the way Theo's fingers worked into his hair, to the hand on his hip. So very perfect...
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Vinayak Dar
Aer Student - Year 6
Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
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Post by Vinayak Dar on Jun 21, 2015 1:17:52 GMT -5
Theo's pain had completely driven Vinayak's own out of his mind. This was insupportable. Even if Vinayak was only one person, one person who also felt the sinful desires, at least he was one person who did not believe Theo a waste or a failure or anything bad.
He broke the kiss but did not pull away, preferring to rest his forehead against Theo's because, well ... he wanted to and it was dark and there was no one around to catch them. "You think you forced me?" Vinayak asked, offering the best grin he could at such an emotionally charged moment. "That is ridiculous. Do you think I cannot defend myself? I may be a year younger, but I am brilliant, too. I would have blasted you away if I hadn't wanted you so close to me. Please."
Feeling much more confident now that his focus was on quelling Theo's fears, Vinayak reached out and took Theo's hand in his own, tracing his fingertips along the lengths of Theo's fingers, tracing meaningless patterns into his palm. "It hurts me to hear you say such things about yourself, because I know you, and I know they are not true. Blood does not matter. Only ... "
only this
"only you. Who you have chosen to be. That is greater than anything else: your choice."
I adore you
Back to kissing, because oh this was the most glorious sin that had ever been invented. Back to kissing because now he felt as though he would die without it. How was it that this felt more comfortable than anything else in the world? His arm around Theo's back, and his other hand in Theo's hair, and his tongue dancing gracefully against the other man's, and this beautiful boy could not be allowed to hate himself.
Was it hypocritical? Yes. But Vinayak didn't realize that at the moment. All he wanted at the moment was for Theo to see himself through other eyes, through Vinayak's eyes, and know that he was stunning.
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Theodore Keating
Aer Student - Head Boy
Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
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Post by Theodore Keating on Jun 21, 2015 1:48:19 GMT -5
He was still crying but mostly just because he hadn't taken the time to stop. God he was so overwhelm with emotions right now. There was passion and desire and this happiness that was blooming in his chest that he had never felt before in his life. He was so safe and warm and he knew that here was where he belonged. Anywhere else would be wrong in all the worst ways. Yet there was still guilt and pain from years of nothing but feeling wrong and out of place. Flirting with girls and trying to please everyone when really he just wanted to please himself and be happy. And if this is what happiness felt like he wasn't going to let it go.
When Vinayak pulled away and Theo was left just looking into perfect brown eyes he couldn't help the small smile that came to his face as their foreheads rested together and it felt like he was breathing for the first time in his life. "I mean I just... I didn't ask and I shouldn't have..." But he was hushed up by the following words which soothed his fears and he brushed his fingers over Vinayak cheek. "I'm sorry I just worry to much and I... I don't want to mess this up. You're that important to me..."
Can this moment never end? Sure it was a little messy but he was messy. And as far as messy perfects go this was it.
And he words were perfect, soothing and calm and while they didn't ride him of all his crimes, all his guilt and pain, it made it easy to swallow so he could go back to kissing. So warm and perfect. So inviting... So safe. That was a big thing for Theo. His whole life he has never been safe, it's all be him on guard from the rest of the world that always seemed ready to attack. But this was safe...
Even if it was the biggest sin of all? How could something feel so right yet be so wrong? It didn't make sense to Theo so for now he wasn't going to pay any mind to it. He was just going to keep kissing this wonderful boy. "You are too wonderful for words." He whispered against his lips before brushing his hand over his cheek and whispering. "Thank you..."
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Vinayak Dar
Aer Student - Year 6
Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
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Post by Vinayak Dar on Jun 21, 2015 19:22:45 GMT -5
"How could you have asked? How does a person put this into words, this ... "
sin desire sin lust sin kiss sin
"I have never been able to speak of this. I wouldn't even know where to begin. But you are not ... not alone in this, as you can see. And it doesn't mess anything up to know that I thought myself isolated and ... and I wasn't." He couldn't resist trailing his fingertips up Theo's neck, then along his cheekbone, then a feather-light touch on his lips. "Thank you. For your honesty and for ... for bringing my books ... I am sorry I got upset, but I was never angry with you."
Oh, at least he wouldn't be alone in Hell. And if Theo were there, then how could it even be what people said it was? How could this person be signed up for eternal damnation without the armies of Heaven storming in to set him free? It was much easier to believe terrible things about himself than it was to believe that Theo, Theo, was a doomed soul.
And the terror was still there, and it would certainly rise up with a vengeance once he was alone again, but right now, in this moment, Vinayak could almost have believed that this was no sin at all.
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Theodore Keating
Aer Student - Head Boy
Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
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Post by Theodore Keating on Jun 21, 2015 22:46:24 GMT -5
He was never angry with him. In fact he totally understood how Theo was feeling, all the fears and the desire to push all these feeling away. He was being thanked as well and told everything that Vinayak was never angry. That was the important part, that he didn't feel like Theo forced him into this. And that everything was going to be okay. Well okay as it can be...
"You... I just..." Theo licked his lips and blushed some at the feeling of a gentle hand on his neck and fingers that seemed to be laced with magic. Then his cheekbone and then gently over his lips. He couldn't help it, he melted under the touch of the boy and he swallowed some. This was the worst sort of sin one human could commit. He would be doomed to hell but hell didn't seem so bad if Vinayak was there. Then hell would be better than Heaven really. He wonder if this was better than heaven...
So the fear and the guilt might alway be here but for now he could live for now, because it was just so perfect. "Come on." Theo said standing up and smiling. "Lets get you back to the common room."
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