Theodore Keating
Aer Student - Head Boy
Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
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Post by Theodore Keating on Jun 18, 2015 2:10:47 GMT -5
You know this was good, right here was where he belong.
Not at the fancy parties his father forced him to attend all summer where he was expected to find a bride. Right here in the Library with the silence surrounding him, punctuated with a cough or the tuning of a page every other second. He loved this and needed more of this in his life. Theo couldn't handle behind the perfect everything all the time anymore, because it was all just a lie. Sure it was a lie that came naturally to him, his charm and wit and other qualities that ladies found charming, but it wasn't him.
This however was. Books and stories and studying. Learning how to become a scholar so that maybe one day he could become a teacher and inspire students to be more than what their blood is, or their social status is... He turned the page as his finger ran down it softly, becoming coated in a thin layer of dust that he whipped off on his pants. It was the price one pays for picking the oldest books, dust gets everywhere.
Theo turned the page again and sighed contently as he wrote out some notes, his quill scratching along his apartment when he looked up as Vinayak walked through the doors and he felt his heart skip a small beat. Handsome... so bloody fucking handsome and god Theo was having those thoughts again. He swallowed and pushed it all back down before forcing a small smile and waving over to the boy. "Hey Vinayak over here." He said as softly as he could, but with the intent of getting the other man's attention. Which he hoped he did, it had been a long summer full of company he did not want to be with. He would kill to have someone he could really talk to right about now you know? Especially that of a boy that made his heart beat like crazy and fill his head with thoughts that he knew he shouldn't be having.
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Vinayak Dar
Aer Student - Year 6
Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
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Post by Vinayak Dar on Jun 18, 2015 2:29:53 GMT -5
First day of classes behind him, Vinayak slung his bag over his shoulder and made his way to the library. Ahhh, the library, with its wonderful smell and the comforting little sounds of quills on parchment, pages turning, whispered words over musty tomes ... he always missed the library when he was home for the summer. Sure, his parents had plenty of interesting reading material, but the atmosphere just wasn't the same. Somehow, the Cascade library made him feel less alone. Sure, books weren't people, but they were still friends.
Interestingly enough, as the library door closed behind him, Vinayak heard his name spoken in friendly tones. The library was quite empty - it was only the first day of classes, after all - so it didn't take long for him to identify the source of the voice. Theo. A housemate of his, only a year older, and he'd always been cool to Vinayak. After all, Theo had some baggage of his own. They were merely acquaintances, but Vinayak had picked up on the fact that Theo had a less than amazing home life.
Also, he was handsome.
Wait ... no. No, he wasn't. That was sick and wrong. Very, very wrong.
But he was a good guy, and Vinayak didn't exactly have nice people banging down his door, so he just needed to continue ignoring the whole handsome thing and go be friendly. So he offered a smile and a wave as he approached and sat down at Theo's table. "Hi, Theo. First day of classes, so only the Aer kids are even thinking of the library, right?" He started pulling some books out of his bag and plopping them down on the table. "How was your summer?"
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Theodore Keating
Aer Student - Head Boy
Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
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Post by Theodore Keating on Jun 18, 2015 3:02:34 GMT -5
How come it was only when Vinayak looked at him that he felt this way? Like his good feeling that was tight in his chest that he did not get with girls. And it was warm and it felt so very right. But it was also so wrong! Who looks at another man and think 'god he is so handsome' when you yourself are a man. Maybe he just hasn't found the right girl yet! Yeah that had to be it, he would find her one day and it would be this feeling and he could forget about this feeling for good. Theo took a breath and relaxed, no point tensing up now Vinayak was coming over and he had to stay calm and focus. Keep his head in the right place...
"Yup just like always, here on the first day right into the last." He said with a small chuckle as he rubbed the back of his neck, eyes down on the paper below. Maybe if he didn't look at him this feeling would go away. It needed to go away because every time his heart beat like this he was hit with guilt that never seemed to leave him. First he was born a half blood when he should have been a pure blood, then he just was never good enough at anything he ever did and now he was wishing he could kiss this man rather than the girl his father wanted him to court. What was wrong with him?!
"It was good for the most part I guess." He said with a shrug and a small sigh. "I was able to study a lot when my father let me, the rest of the time was spent being pulled from party to party in the hopes that I will met a girl to marry when I am done school." Which was a terrifying thought for Theo. He did not want to marry anyone right now he just wanted to focus on school and books, the things that made him happy. "What about you? Was it good?"
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Vinayak Dar
Aer Student - Year 6
Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
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Post by Vinayak Dar on Jun 18, 2015 3:33:22 GMT -5
Vinayak watched as Theo rubbed the back of his neck, and he didn't understand the meaning of the gesture but it was kind of nice to watch, so he quickly flipped open his Potions textbook and forced his eyes down toward the page. "Exactly. But it's worth it to stay ahead. Professor Holland is no joke; he's already assigned an essay. But I guess they're even more rigorous in seventh year, eh?"
Yes, he was only one day in and the difference in workload between fifth year and sixth year was already obvious. But at least there was someone to study with, someone else who loved books and didn't call him names. Outside of Cascade, more people were prejudiced. At least at a school of magic, they were all different and "weird" in one shared way.
Vinayak scoffed at Theo's words. "Isn't that delightful? Yes, my parents finally met another Indian family and invited them over. Their daughter? She's ten years old. And they wanted me to have a conversation with her while they talked about 'arrangements.' It was absurd. I have never felt so awkward before in my life. She's ten. They're not even sure if she's magical. I told them it was creepy to talk to a ten-year-old, knowing that they're thinking of her as my possible future bride."
Vinayak shivered in disgust at the memory. Sure, he was attracted to girls, but only to ones around his age! What on earth had gotten into his parents' heads? It was just wrong. He felt sorry for the girl, too. It couldn't have been a pleasant evening for her, either.
Just then, a pair of students passed by their table, and the words "go home, brownie," met his eardrums. Vinayak didn't even bother looking at them. He just squeezed his eyes closed for a long moment and shook his head, feeling a flush of embarrassment rise in his cheeks. Stupid country. Land of opportunities? Well, not for people like him. It was a farce.
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Theodore Keating
Aer Student - Head Boy
Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
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Post by Theodore Keating on Jun 18, 2015 14:07:10 GMT -5
"Yeah, I always felt like he's had it out for me just because in my first year I ran into him head first in the hallway." He said with a small chuckle, shaking his had some. Then again he always felt like most of the people in this school don't like him, or maybe that was just the way he viewed himself in the eyes of others, because the people closest to him, the people that were suppose to love and care for him hated him the most out of everyone. "Yeah it's not too bad, I feel like if you worked your hardest in your sixth year you can get though this stuff pretty okay."
Theo felt kind of bad that he still had his eyes glued onto the pages of the book that was in front of him but he couldn't help it. If he looked up he might start having those thoughts again and he couldn't deal with that right now. He did throw a quick glance Vinayak way before looking back down and he could feel the boys pain as he talked about the girl his parents had him meet with. "Ten really? I'm sorry that had to have been uncomfortable. But if it helps I understand how you felt. I just don't get why all this pressure to marry someone. What if I don't want to get married? Isn't that a option?"
Of course deep down he knew it wasn't but he liked to think that it was. He wanted to go to college and make something of himself before he got married and then he would want to marry someone he liked and cared for. Not some girl that was forced on him, or some girl he flirted with because it was what he was suppose to do... He just wanted to be happy for once.
But of course happiness comes at a big price he didn't want to pay just yet. And he knew Vinayak was probably in the same boat.
Theo was about to comment on it again when two kids walked by and of course they had to say something and Theo swallowed. "Don't listen to them." He said softly looking over at him with a small smile. First time he had really made eye contact and he felt like he was blushing. Fuck he really hoped he was not blushing. "They just... they are stupid you know? If they got to know you they would see how utterly amazing you really are and how everything else doesn't matter."
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Vinayak Dar
Aer Student - Year 6
Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
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Post by Vinayak Dar on Jun 18, 2015 14:48:54 GMT -5
"No, Potions Professor Holland? Really? Or are you talking about the other Holland, because that one is scary. It's unbelievable that they're twins and so very different. But, well ... it's good to know that sixth year is good preparation for seventh. So thanks."
Yes, all the marriage pressure. Parents and their ridiculous insistence. Why couldn't young people make their own choices in that regard? True, Vinayak's parents had an arranged marriage, and they had managed to fall in love and build a good life together, but that couldn't possibly be the case for all such pairings. What if they had been incompatible? What if they had already been in love with other people? What if they'd found themselves going back and forth between desiring a woman and desiring a man? After all, such feelings would not be healthy for matrimony. What if the right path for Vinayak was to remain unmarried and simply have relationships that ran their natural course?
Absurd. Unheard of. Sinful and wrong. Better to live in a cage ... really? Really? Even when he felt as though this country in itself was already cage enough?
"It should be an option. Plenty of men are bachelors, yes? But I suppose it's different when you're an only child, as we are. Parents want grandchildren and it doesn't matter whether or not their children are interested in such a future. At least ... well, after graduation, there is more freedom? I hope."
Unfortunately, that was when the other students hurled a slur in Vinayak's direction, and the comfort he was starting to feel in this conversation went flying out the window. He hated having Theo witness such a thing, hated himself for giving no response, but he'd fought back in the past and it had never worked in his favor. After all, school administrators never sided with the immigrant, the "brownie." He only got himself into trouble when he attempted to act in self-defense. So it was better this way, not to say anything, even though he felt it diminished him as a man.
He felt like a stupid child whenever this happened. And now it would make this pleasant conversation awkward, and ...
Wait. Theo wasn't just sitting in awkward silence, he was speaking ... "utterly amazing" ... did he really think that? But they hadn't ... they didn't really know each other, so did that mean that ...
Wait, no. Had Theo really been noticing Vinayak, too? Noticing him enough that he could call him amazing? Or was he just trying to be nice? And was he really ... blushing? Suddenly, Vinayak felt hot under his collar, and he tugged awkwardly at it as he met Theo's gaze and his face was still burning and oh, no, he was being so awkward and he would make Theo feel weird!
He cleared his throat and offered a small smile. "Thank you. That means a lot. It's, um ... it's good to have a friend. Someone who thinks I have a right to be in this country."
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Theodore Keating
Aer Student - Head Boy
Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
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Post by Theodore Keating on Jun 18, 2015 22:07:57 GMT -5
"Oh right... I know they are not identical but you just say professor Holland and my mind just drifts to the scary one of the two." Probably because he had given him so much grief in the past that it wasn't even funny. "Yeah you'll do fine beside you are really smart you know. In fact knowing you, you will probably graduate top of your class." Theo had the chance to but knowing him he would probably fuck it all up in the end. He chokes under the pressure and bad. So he was just hoping he would graduate at all.
His comment about being a only child stuck at the wrong nerve but he knew the boy didn't know and therefore, he meant nothing harmful by it. "You can say that again." But then he was able to make him smile. Yes there would be some more freedom, for you see when Theo graduates he will be gone the next day to the college of his dreams. Sure it was a muggle college but he had been told that his grandfather on his birth mother side went there and he wants to do the same. His step mother and father can go to hell for all he cared. He was going...
The slur had brought both boys back into a reality that didn't sit well with either and Theo just wished he had said more to make it better. But he couldn't... He was just some rich white kid that's never really had to face the adversity that Vinayak did. Sure he was a disappointment, sure he wasn't suppose to be born but he was still a white male living in america, he would always get the best of everything for that fact alone.
It wasn't fair at all. Vinayak deserve so much more, he was smart and handsome and if he was white he would have the world in the palm of his hands. Theo shook his head and closed his eyes for a second, bad thoughts, very bad sinful thought raced though his mind again. Why did it always happen when he thought of Vinayak?
Finally Vinayak spoke up about the comment he had made, and Theo smiled some. "Don't mention it. And yeah it is good to have a friend and if anyone deserve to be here it's you. I mean you worked so hard to get here and well... yeah it's really amazing." Fuck he was still blushing and it was all because of that smile Vinayak got. He shouldn't have looked why did he look?!
"I just think you are great and yeah good to have you s a friend." Or more... why couldn't it be more? Oh right because it was wrong...
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Vinayak Dar
Aer Student - Year 6
Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
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Post by Vinayak Dar on Jun 19, 2015 6:31:51 GMT -5
Oh, that smile. It was simply radiant. How could someone like Theo, brilliant and handsome and popular and talented, carry around so much sadness? That's what it was, really, and even though he tried to contain it, somehow it seeped out of him, silent cries that were impossible to ignore.
Well, at least for Vinayak, they were impossible to ignore. That might just have been because Vinayak was hyper-aware of the other boy, and had been for years. Ever since that moment in his third year when they'd crashed into each other in the hallway, spilling their books all over the floor and then stooping down to gather them up, and Theo had passed him one of his books and Vinayak's finger had accidentally brushed against one of his and there was that smile ...
Why, why was he stuck with these feelings that were so utterly wrong? It wasn't fair. Didn't he have enough to deal with already? Weren't the pressure of school and the pressure of marriage and the unrelenting prejudice enough for one person to manage? Really, sometimes Vinayak worried that he might just lose his mind.
Oh, and then they were smiling at each other across the table, and Theo was complimenting him again and Vinayak finally felt grateful for the color of his skin because maybe it actually somewhat hid the fact that he was blushing.
But so was Theo, and Vinayak had no idea why.
He cleared his throat, fumbling pointlessly at the pages of his book, unable to tear his gaze away from Theo's. "Well, again, thank you. I really do appreciate y- it. I appreciate it."
I appreciate you. Stupid. Change the subject. Anything, anything!
"Theo, do you ... um ... do you happen to know where in this book I can locate the catalog of Potions correspondences? I, ah ... need it."
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Theodore Keating
Aer Student - Head Boy
Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
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Post by Theodore Keating on Jun 19, 2015 18:02:00 GMT -5
He didn't understand this really. Why was it he only felt this way when Vinayak was around? He just had this way of making him laugh and smile and blush. This way of making his worries melt away for a little bit and bringing out the best and the worst in him. It was confusing and he didn't really understand it all at all.
All he did understand was that on that day, the day the first ran into each other and their hands touched when they reached for the same book that was the moment he felt that connection people always talked about, he felt that spark. And when Vinayak first told him his name he could remember they way his voice danced in his ears, it was like chocolate it was so smooth and soft. Not to mention perfect. He was the only person he had ever felt that way with.
But why?
Because Theo knew how wrong it was to be having these thoughts, wondering what your friends eyes would look like if he was on top of you whispering in your ear with his lips on your neck. Didn't he have it hard enough, already hated by his family because he's impure. Now he had to go in and have nasty thoughts too, what in god's name was wrong with him?
"Don't mention it." He said softly looking up at the other boy and smiling. At least he had stopped blushing for now, stopped feeling so tense around him. "Anything for you... to help!"
Fuck fuck fuck why did he say that?! Oh god he was blushing again god help him please.
"A book?" He stuttered out and swallowed before standing up and pulling on his jacket. "Yeah I can help totally... I know where it is this way." Okay good lets get away from this conversation and focus on just finding this book. He could do that right? Theo just hoped that he was keeping it together enough but it felt like it got harder and harder and harder with V everyday...
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Vinayak Dar
Aer Student - Year 6
Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
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Post by Vinayak Dar on Jun 19, 2015 22:53:07 GMT -5
"Anything for you ... "
Was that a thing that guys usually said to each other? Was that ... normal? Vinayak wasn't sure. He couldn't remember ever hearing anything quite like that from anyone other than his parents. But certainly he was just reading too much into it? He was overthinking, that was it. He was overthinking because he was a twisted pervert, so he was trying to justify it, trying to view the world in a way that would suggest that his desires were normal. Theo couldn't ... of course not! He was Theo, for God's sake! He wasn't broken or wrong or ...
Oh, wait. He was sad, wasn't he? And didn't Vinayak's sadness have something to do with his own wrong feelings? And ...
No, the more he thought about it, the more he was certain that it wasn't something male friends just said to each other out of nowhere. "Oh ... yes, thank you," Vinayak replied, standing up to follow his friend around a few shelves and toward a corner of the library that was, on this first day of classes, completely deserted. Theo pulled the book from the shelf and offered it to Vinayak, but Vinayak wasn't looking at the book or at their hands as he took it, and their fingers brushed together just as they had on that day years before ...
He cleared his throat and held the book close to his chest, unable to tear his eyes away from Theo's. "Um ... thank you. That's the one. Right there. Good old ... catalog of Potions correspondences ... "
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Theodore Keating
Aer Student - Head Boy
Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
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Post by Theodore Keating on Jun 19, 2015 23:28:39 GMT -5
He swallowed some as his eyes wandered down the rows of books looking anywhere but at V... Oh god what he said... he couldn't stop himself before it slipped out and he didn't want him to think there was something wrong with him! That he was more broken and fucked up that he already was. He just felt so dirty inside and it wasn't just because he also had muggle blood running through his veins anymore, but because he couldn't stop these thoughts that had plagued each other since he first met Vinayak.
He tried his best to shake those feeling off as his fingers wander over the spines of the books he was standing in front of. It had grown rather quiet in the library most of the student and gone off to class and as far as Theo could tell it was just the two of them. Just the two of them standing here with this book in his hands that he was passing to Vinayak... just them standing here with their eyes locked onto each other and nothing but unspoken words between them. Their fingers brushing together just like it did on their first day they met... when his world stopped spinning for a second and all he could here was his heart beat.
And then Theo dropped the book to the ground and pressed his lips against Vinayak's own. And it was everything he wanted a first kiss to be, warm and passionate with that spark he never felt with any girl even before. His one hand came up and into his hair as he kissed him deep and long. God it felt so good, so right... but then a thought flashed through his mind. This was fucking Vinayak his best friend he was kissing... another man! And it felt right... how in god's name did it feel right...
He couldn't pull away just yet he had to see if he would kiss him back. Please for the love of god let him kiss him back!!
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Vinayak Dar
Aer Student - Year 6
Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
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Post by Vinayak Dar on Jun 20, 2015 0:20:01 GMT -5
This ... gaze, this looking, this wanting, oh god it was terrible. It was a horrible thing but why couldn't he tear his eyes away? And why was it still happening? Why didn't Theo punch him for this look, shove him, curse him, good god anything would be less terrifying than this gaze! And then the gaze was broken -
THUD
- as the book hit the floor and, no, here was the more terrifying thing. He was being touched, kissed, there were fingers in his hair and for a moment he stood completely still, stark fear flooding his veins until something else burst through, that explosion of wanting that had tormented him and he stepped even closer and tilted his chin upward, opening his lips for this man - this man this is a man! - and Vinayak's hands climbed of their own accord, one to rest on Theo's hip and the other on the side of his neck, thumb grazing jawline, tongues tangling as, for one blissful moment, everything was perfect.
Yes, YES, NO!
With a gasp, Vinayak pushed away, breaking the kiss, taking a step backward as he stared at Theo with devastated confusion on his face. This was a sin, oh, the worst sin!
"I ... we ... " and for a moment he started to step closer again but he couldn't, he couldn't do it, he was too afraid. "I ... have to go," he stammered, brows drawing together in pain, and then he was gone, walking so swiftly that he nearly ran, leaving the book on the floor and his own books on the table and just ...
He didn't know where he was going. He didn't know where he could go. Where could he go? All he knew was that he was crying and then he was running and finally he was outside, sitting by the lake, weeping into his hands, and none of it made any sense at all but god it had been the best moment of his life.
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Theodore Keating
Aer Student - Head Boy
Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
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Post by Theodore Keating on Jun 20, 2015 0:45:16 GMT -5
All Theo could do was close his eyes and wait to see what happen next. He didn't know if Vinayak would kill him and beat him into the ground for doing something so sinful, or if he would return this feeling if he would kiss him back. His heart was beating so fast he swore it echoed throughout the whole library. And then it happen...
His head titled up, lips parted, there was tongue and a hand on his hip. There was fingers tracing along his jaw line and it was so amazing. Theo has kissed his fair number of girls, some against his will and some not in the hopes that it would feel like this. But it never did. This was the first time he felt something real, something that could be described as passion. It was the first time he felt like he was doing something right, maybe he really did do something right. But then he heard a very audible gasp and the magic was broken and he was faced with eyes that were filled with so much confusion and pain and he realized what he had done.
He had really kissed Vinayak, this wasn't a dream this was very really and he was hurt and scared. And Theo was scared too, what did this all mean? Would they both go to hell what if someone found out?
"I ... have to go,"
He was frozen in place as Vinayak ran from the room. It wasn't until he was gone that it hit Theo like a ton of bricks. He was gone and he was all hurt and upset and it was because Theo couldn't control himself. Fuck, fuck! He didn't want Vinayak to hate him too... he was his only true friend at this point... the only person who didn't hate him because he was born wrong. He walked back over to the table, realizing the boy had left all his books. Theo collected them and knew he ha to give them back and say he was sorry. That it was his fault, explain what wrong with him and hopefully make it right. He couldn't lose his last friends....
Now hopefully Theo could find him. He knew Vinayak well enough to figure the first place he would go was probably the lake. He always said the way the wind would blow over the water was relaxing. So Theo took his time getting down there thinking about what he might say. When he finally found the boy he just stood a few feet away watching him for a second, his mind had gone blank again and he felt so unsure of himself.
He just wanted to get it right. But he knew he never would... after all he was born so very very wrong.
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Vinayak Dar
Aer Student - Year 6
Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
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Post by Vinayak Dar on Jun 20, 2015 1:25:14 GMT -5
All the wondering was over, and now he knew for certain that it was just as marvelous as he'd thought - feared - it would be. Now everything would be harder. How could he resist something that felt so natural? How could he reconcile that feeling with the knowledge that it was, in fact, unnatural and wrong? How could he ever look at Theo again without risking more of that illicit, incredible high?
Oh, no. He was so scared. Why couldn't the earth open up beneath him and swallow him whole? Why did he have to exist with all of ... this, these trials, this mortal fear? Vinayak didn't want to be evil! He didn't want to go to Hell!
Soft footsteps behind him. Now? Was it someone here to harass him? While he was crying his eyes out, feeling more vulnerable than he had ever felt before? Quickly, he swiped at his eyes, then turned to look and his heart dropped into his stomach. He hadn't expected ... thought that perhaps they ... but, no, he'd left his books and of course Theo would notice because he was thoughtful that way.
Vinayak looked up, his face burning with embarrassment at the fact that he was sitting here, doing this, and he didn't know if he wanted Theo to leave or to sit down next to him.
"Um," he finally stammered, "you brought my books. Thank you." God, now his heart wasn't in his stomach, it was in his throat and he could barely speak around it.
Well, at least there was one thing. No one could be attracted to a weeping man sitting in the muddy grass, hugging his knees to his chest.
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Theodore Keating
Aer Student - Head Boy
Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
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Post by Theodore Keating on Jun 20, 2015 1:48:59 GMT -5
Those few moments where Vinayak hadn't notice him where spend trying to come up with some way to explain what he had done and form some sort of apologize. He felt like he might be sick he was so worried and so upset. And if he smoked he would sure be doing it right now to try and calm his nerves. Perhaps that is why so many people pick up the habit, it just never appealed to him until now. Oh Lord he was getting off track he really didn't want to do this did he? But if he put it off the damaged he caused may never be fix. If you leave a leak in a roof for too long the whole thing will collapse, and he didn't want this friendship to collapse because it was the best thing to ever happen to him.
From the first time they bumped into each other, to the late nights together in the library studying, sneaking into the kitchen for tea and cookies after dark, long philosophical talks while walking around the lake that seemed to go on forever. He never had a friend before that shared his views on life and death, politics and race relations. And yet they could still debate about it, spend hours sharing views and stories and never grow dull of each other.
If he lost that what would he do?
Finally Vinayak turned around and his heart jumped into his throat. Theo nodded and moved closer to the boy before finally taking a seat next to him and inhaling. He had to say something, anything. Just the next thing that came to his head he would say, because sitting here in the uncomfortable silence was killing him.
"I'm so broken Vinayak... really broken. And I'm so sorry."
Wow Theo just wow. That was a bad way to start this even for him. Like really bad. He closed his eyes and shook his head, okay he had to try again and this time he had to explain himself. Because if anyone deserved to know how bad and wrong and broken he was it's Vinayak. "I'm not a pureblood... I'm a half blood. My mother was a muggle woman my father slept with once and she died giving birth to me. So I wasn't even suppose to be born and I was just... I was born wrong too. Muggle blood and all and I'm just a broken mess. I just hope you aren't too mad at me for being so fucked up and wrong."
He was all choked up with emotion and he was pretty sure he wasn't making any sense at all. Maybe he should leave, maybe he just have just let the roof cave in and realize he fucked up and couldn't fix it at all. God he wanted to cry so bad but he couldn't, not right now. Later when he was alone... Then maybe he can find the time to pray to his birth mom and ask her for guidance because he had never felt so wrong and sinful in his whole life.
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